Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Deepest, darkest time of my life and the road taken to get to acceptance and understanding.

In life there are two kinds of people those who put their needs before anyone else and those who abuse that flaw in others. I sit and remember back to a very dark time in my life and I'm not happy for all the things I did, but at that time they were things I did for me and no one else.

I have always been there for my friends and my family for whatever they needed. Much of my 4 years in High School I felt like a physiologist with as much listening I did for others. Even in college I was there to listen to others. While in college the people around me became people who would take the time to listen to me. I was still not to the point in my life when I would need people the most. It was about 2 1/2 years to 1 1/2 ago that I really needed people to switch that role and put my needs before their own some time...which I had always done for them in the past. When you are struggling with getting pregnant the last person you can go to is your husband, at least for me I couldn't. He knew he wasn't going to tell me to give up and he wasn't going to be mad at me for what was going on, but he was involved more and was hard for him to pull away and be rational with me in my darkest time. I needed my friends who I had been there for so many times before that. Instead I was ostracized from their life because at that time they were all having babies and being there for them was what I was suppose to do. I admit that part of the ostracizing was my own doing because being around baby planning was very painful at that time, but I wish people would have understand that even through the pain I was still happy for them, but it was pain and that can over shadow a lot in times.

As I came to acceptance/ understanding of what was going on and my husband and I starting researching adoption and foster care the pain became less, but unfortunately those friendships were no longer there anymore.  They can blame it all on me, but its not all on me. I guess that through this grieving process I wish I would have just had those people that I put my feelings aside for, for so many years put aside their ego, gloating, and expectations and understood that even while I was happy the pain was to deep and wouldn't allow my happiness to break through for a very long time.

Its hard to look back on one of the most depressing times of your life, but looking back what I see now is the people who were there for me....the unexpected people who I only knew for a few short years or even less, some whom were going through their own pregnancies but never made me feel less of a person for having my issues and understood how hard it was for me and who tried to help me with other possible solutions to our issue. These people I will always cherish in my life. I remember times of sadness with these people as they announced their pregnancies and all I wished for was the same feeling they had, but in the midst of all the excitement...they understood my sadness and grief and never made me feel that how I was feeling was wrong. I didn't jump for joy for them, I didn't cry with tears of happiness, I didn't scream with excitement....I was just happy for them, but at the same time part of me was dying inside with sadness and wanting for that same experience.

Now those feelings of pain are tamed ...I have a lot of ladies in my neighborhood pregnant or having kids and I can feel open to enjoying the happiness of children/ babies again because I know that when God shuts ones door he opens another. Some people never experience true depression and those people are very lucky. I just ask that if you have some around you going through depression in anyway try not to be selfish and try to understand what is going on before you blacklist them for not being the person they once were before because depression will change them into something they are not. I would delete people off my social media who were having babies or hide some of them because while I was happy for them the pain of ultrasound pictures and the baby countdowns and all that stuff was painful. It was something I had to do to make my life easier at the time. I don't regret doing those things....the things that helped me keep sane during the depression. I just hope that someday those people who stopped being my friend during that dark time can see and hopefully understand what I was going through and know that all I needed was for someone to listen to me and actually care. As much as people may not want to believe when you are struggling to get pregnant and reach the acceptance stage you have completed a full cycle of the grieving process. I completed mine and I'm very happy to be moving on. I just wish I had some of those friends that I had before the process began.

Lots of Love,

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