Thursday, May 16, 2013

Family Hierarchy

As many people know PCOS is not a pregnancy death sentence, its more like that experiment where you suck a egg into a bottle, it seems impossible, but with certain situations it will happen. While over the last 4 years there have been many depressing times and plenty that brought my marriage to alot of impasses. My husband is very supportive but there are only so many things a man can say to make a woman feel better in those types of situations. The things that go through a women's head at those times are almost certifiably insane. While I couldn't love my husband more for going through those tough times with me, I think more about the emotions and feelings we are experiencing now. As many would think joy and excitement, which many couples go through when they are planning a family. I don't want any one to think that I think our feelings trump or are more than those expecting a child, but never being in that situation I wouldn't know how the bonds of marriage change, all I can give you is our experiences.

Many people who know my husband know that he isn't really a baby person, and while many have said that would change if it was our child (which I'm sure is true), my worries were, could he love a child that isn't biologically his? If/when we would have a child of our own would that change his feelings for our adoptive child? So many questions and feelings arose when deciding to star the process of adoption. I know in my heart no matter the child, biological or blood, I will love the child(ren), but how do I really know what my husband is thinking???? I was worried I would never know and one day it presented itself and all my worries went away.

As we talked about the process my husband had alot of question and concerns, as anyone would. I took those as a good sign that he was really processing this in his head. Then one day he came home and said he had saw a picture on a person desk, he knew through work, of his daughter who was of Asian decent. This work friend was not Asian and my husband was going to ask him if he had adopted his daughter. At first I told him not to, thinking well maybe his wife was Asian and you don't want to offend anyone. To my surprise they had done an international adoption and Chris came home that night and told me all about their families journey.  Chris also contacted a friend who has a child of special needs to ask her about their journey. You might think, why is that a issue? Well alot of children in the foster system are their because of a strong medical need or have a special need. Some as sever as 24 hour care to as little as a mild learning disability. I was kind of shocked to know that he had contacted and talked to these people about our journey, for this isn't really like my quiet, shy husband. The more I looked at these situations I saw he was going to be OK with any child(ren) we adopt. Just for a reference my husband and I are planning a Trip to Europe next May and he has yet to sit down and really research places with me, I tell him cool things to see and what we need to start doing and he looks and me and says this sudden impulse/ need to contact and get more information and other peoples experiences had me very excited.

I have had many people who have had children tell me that while they love their husbands to death, they would go to the ends of the earth for their children, over their husband.That their children are on the high pedestal  and their husbands, while not far behind the children, just don't make the cut for #1 in their hearts anymore. Now this might not be the feeling for everyone, this is just what I have heard from some people. How does the family hierarchy change and can their be a tie for #1 in our hearts? I don't know how I could ever drop my husband down a peg after seeing all that he has done to educate himself about this adoption. I again can't say what the feelings and emotions are like with having a baby, but this adoption has brought my marriage to a level of happiness, openness, honesty, and love that I didn't know was possible. He will always be #1 to me and will be an amazing father.

I know that was pretty mushy/gushy, but thought it was appropriate with our 4 year wedding anniversary next week. Please feel free to post your feelings while either pregnant or adopting if you wish. Everyone have a amazing day.

 ~Lots of Love C&C

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